Watching your elderly parents struggle with daily tasks is heartbreaking, but when they resist help—whether out of pride, fear, or financial concerns—it can be overwhelming and even frightening. As their adult child, you want to ensure their safety and well-being while respecting their independence.
The Challenge of Helping Aging Parents
It’s common for aging parents to resist outside help. When this happens, it’s easy to feel frustrated or helpless. After repeated refusals, it might seem like giving up is the best option. But ignoring the issue isn’t a solution.
Aging parents still want to be seen as independent, capable adults, even when they need help. Remembering this can help create a more empathetic approach. Alternatively, consider involving a senior care provider. These professionals can act as a mediator between parent and child to help facilitate calm discussions, helping parents and children work together toward a solution.
Understanding the Reasons Behind Resistance
There are many reasons why seniors might refuse help:
- Cognitive Decline: Dementia or other cognitive impairments can make it difficult for them to recognize their limitations.
- Financial Worries: Some seniors don’t want to spend money on care, fearing they’ll run out of savings.
- Loss of Independence: Accepting help feels like giving up control over their lives.
Understanding your parent’s concerns can make these discussions more productive. Some of the most difficult topics to navigate include:
1. Giving Up Driving
For many seniors, driving represents freedom and independence. It’s natural to want to feel independent, and giving up driving can feel like giving up independence, making this conversation especially difficult.
Asking them to stop can feel like a devastating loss. Instead of demanding they give up the keys, try:
- Offering to drive them so they can relax
- Discussing alternate transportation options
- Expressing concerns about reckless drivers rather than focusing on their ability
It is very important to recognize the signs that parents should give up driving. Age-related maladies, both physical and cognitive, are dangerous for themselves as well as others on the road. If they continue to drive unsafely, reporting them to the Department of Motor Vehicles as an unsafe driver may be necessary.
2. Estate Planning
Discussing a will or trust can be uncomfortable, but it’s essential to protect their assets. Without proper estate planning, their hard-earned money could be tied up in court instead of going to their chosen beneficiaries. Emphasize the importance of having a will or trust to ensure their assets go to their chosen beneficiaries instead of getting tied up in legal fees.
3. Plans for Long-Term Care
Given a choice, most seniors would prefer to stay in their own homes for as long as possible, but this isn’t always realistic. Issues like chronic health conditions, financial mismanagement, and safety risks can make professional care a better option. A professional caregiver can help oversee serious health concerns and prevent things like falling prey to scammers, failing to take medications appropriately, or failing to take care of pertinent financial issues. Having long-term care may be the best resolution.
If finances are a concern, explore long-term care options to find affordable solutions.
Financial Assistance for Long-Term Care
Many seniors aren’t aware of financial resources that can help them afford care. Two often-overlooked programs are:
1. Federal Long-Term Care Insurance
This program is available to federal employees, retirees, and their families. If your parent worked for the government, they may qualify for coverage that helps pay for home care, assisted living, and more.
Benefits include:
- Fixed premiums that don’t increase with age
- Guaranteed renewability
- Transferable coverage
If they don’t qualify for this program, consider private long-term care insurance, which is more affordable if purchased early.
Also, make sure to check their important documents—they may have purchased a different long-term care insurance policy but forgotten about it. Check their papers to ascertain the type of benefits they may qualify for.
2. Long-Term Care for Veterans
Veterans who receive a pension and meet income eligibility requirements may qualify for long-term care assistance. These benefits can significantly improve their quality of life by covering home care services. Contact the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) to explore options.
Planning Ahead: The Best Time to Talk is Now
The ideal time to discuss your parents’ care preferences is before the need arises.
Initiate a conversation about their wishes and encourage them to think ahead about things like purchasing long-term-care insurance and other supports.
Key Topics to Discuss:
- Finances & Insurance: Do they have savings, insurance, or government benefits to cover care?
- Long-Term Care Preferences: Would they prefer home care, assisted living, or another option?
- Estate Planning: Do they have a will, trust, or power of attorney in place?
Encouraging them to plan early ensures they have more choices and reduces financial strain later on.
How to Have a Productive Conversation About Care
Talking to your parents about accepting help requires patience, empathy, and preparation. Sit down with your parents and develop contingency plans. Name the various scenarios that may become a reality further down the road. Ask them for their preferences later on. Most importantly, be proactive. Let your parents know that you’re interested in learning everything there is to know regarding their health and their future quality of life.
- Have the Discussion Early: Don’t wait until they are in crisis mode. Approach the topic when they can rationally consider their options.
- Gather Information: Learn about their medical conditions, financial situation, and available resources before starting the conversation.
- Offer Solutions, Not Ultimatums: Rather than telling them what they “must” do, present options and ask for their input. For example:
- “Would you prefer in-home care or an assisted living facility if needed?”
- “Would you be open to trying a part-time caregiver first?”
- Address Embarrassing Issues with Sensitivity: If incontinence or hygiene is becoming an issue, supply them with the products they need and reassure them that it’s normal and there are solutions available.
- Allow Time for Processing: Your parents may not agree immediately. Give them time to consider the discussion and revisit the topic when necessary.
Maintaining open conversations with parents about sensitive topics will help both of you. Have some idea about probable solutions before you begin the discussion. Study, research, and dialogue with others to acquire information about how to address the topic. Let them know the various options available to them, and allow them to have input, if possible.
To give parents a fulfilling experience as they age, approach this time with a desire for them to maintain their dignity and independence to the extent possible. Be empathetic and understand that elderly parents have a lot on their plate. Aging is not easy, so forget about telling them what they are going to do, and focus on making sure their waning days are filled with as much love and support as you can muster.
In-Home Care & Elderly Care Providers
If parents prefer in-home care to an assisted living facility, find ways to make that happen if it is at all possible. Do not be cavalier in your discussion with them. Allow them to make as many of the decisions as they can reasonably make, and they will feel loved and supported. Give them time to think about what you’ve discussed, but be diligent in bringing up the subject again soon. Let them know that you support whatever plausible decision they make.
Professionals within a senior home care service can be a tremendous support because they’re trained to help with routine daily tasks within the comfort of your parent’s home as well as support those with conditions like dementia if needed. Senior care providers are also more likely to successfully manage aging parents because they do not have the same emotional attachment as the children.
Supporting Aging Parents with Compassion
Aging isn’t easy, but with love and thoughtful planning, you can help your parents navigate this stage of life with confidence and peace. Adult children who have guardianship of an elderly parent have many decisions to make, especially when that elderly parent refuses help, or may be in need of dementia care.
The goal is not to control your parents’ decisions but to help them age with dignity and support. If your parents continue to resist help, a senior care provider can step in as a neutral party to offer guidance and solutions. By approaching these conversations with understanding and patience, you can find solutions that respect their independence while ensuring their safety.
