As parents reach their golden years, sometimes their children find themselves needing to step in and help them in unexpected ways.

It’s a difficult reality to be presented with, one made even harder by how much we’d rather not think about it. But it’s a reality that a lot of us will have to face at some point, and the better prepared we are for that eventuality, the less challenging some of those concerns will be to handle.

So, in spite of the sensitive subject matter, let’s take a candid look at some of the issues you may have to face, and what you can do to anticipate them.

The Emotional Journey of Role Reversal: When Children Become Caregivers

What do you do when the people who raised you and cared for you…can no longer care for themselves?

Many children spend years believing their parents to be invincible. They seem to have all the answers, know how to fix every broken thing, how to bandage every wound, and scare away every monster. What that dynamic looks like, and how long that innocent veneration lasts will obviously be different for each person.

Regardless of the specifics of your experience, though, one thing is for certain: the inversion of the dynamic can feel rather unsettling. You might find yourself dealing with a cocktail of emotions that functionally feel like mourning in advance, and you’re not alone if you do.

As you begin the work of picking up responsibilities and accepting a caretaker role, try to be patient with yourself. This is a major life change for you, just like it is for them.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if and when you need it. Support from other family members, close friends, and others in your network can do a lot to ease some of the burdens you’re carrying. And don’t hesitate to seek help from professionals in mental health, legal, finance, or healthcare, either. These are not easy things, and asking for help is not a weakness.

Recognizing the Signs Your Aging Parents Need Extra Care

One of the reasons it’s hard to discuss or provide guidance on a topic like this is, well, how different it looks for every family. Elderly family members may need none or very little extra care, maintaining nearly full autonomy and independence all the way to the end. Some find themselves needing quite a bit of support very quickly and with little warning.

Some families have plans and finances already in place to address many of these concerns. Others are trying to adjust while struggling against limited means, time, or available space. 

Even the needs themselves can vary—an aging parent may have concerns that are medical, psychiatric, financial, legal, or some combination. As a matter of fact, these needs can, and often do, bleed into each other. For example, a child-turned-caregiver may have to file for power of attorney to effectively manage medical decisions, organize the parent’s finances, and so forth.

So how do you know if your parent or parents need your help? And what do you do if they try to hide the signs of their increased needs (it’s more common than you might think)?

Think Like a Parent

At the risk of sounding flippant about a serious subject, some of this will look almost like it did for them when they were raising you. 

The decision to start leaving a child at home while parents are away is one that’s made based on factors like age, levels of responsibility and independence, and how well you can trust them to give you a shout if they need help. 

Similarly, you can make an estimation of your parent’s abilities and challenges. How well do they do things for themselves like getting dressed, cooking, and cleaning? Do they (or even perhaps you) feel safe operating a vehicle themselves? Do you trust them to avoid risky behaviors or avoiding mistakes relating to safety?

If after considering some of these factors you’re still a bit uncertain, you may need to start watching for explicit warning signs. 

Red Flags and Warning Signs

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) lists a number of clear indicators that children should be watching for in their parents as they age. Here are a few of them:

  • Dramatic changes in weight, disposition, mobility, or hygiene
  • Noticeable issues with memory, confusion, or reliability and consistency (such as frequently missing prescription doses)
  • An increase in defensiveness or aversion to discussing topics related to their independence
  • A sudden, major medical concern, accident, or injury (a fall, a 911 call, etc.)
  • If they directly mention their concern or ask for help

You may find yourself at odds with your parent to a degree as you try and look for these signs. Some parents will recognize that they need help, while others may be completely unaware. Still others may notice, but either resist accepting the reality of their situation, or try to refuse help.

If you’re worried or concerned, though, try to trust your instincts.

Starting with Open Communication

Again, these aren’t your average “growing pains” you and your family are dealing with. These are considerable shifts in life situations, and they may be both permanent and long-lasting (terms that are not necessarily synonymous at this stage of life). So you’ll likely find that being open and frank in your discussions will prove the best approach.

Make it clear to your parent or parents that you care about them, and you just want to ensure their comfort and safety. Ask them what concerns they have and what they feel like they need. Then, try to make a plan (with them, if possible) on how to provide them with extra support while still allowing them as much autonomy as possible. 

As we mentioned above, there are countless ways this can shake out. Maybe they can live on their own, with a medical call button. Maybe they can care for themselves, but would be safer living nearby or in the home of family members. Maybe they need in-home care, or maybe they need more intensive care from professionals.

Whatever the case, it’s very possible that they are as unsure and anxious about what should happen next as you are. This is another area where the role reversal presents itself: you may be the person they look to when the reality of their situation is too frightening or painful to face on their own.

Hopefully we haven’t belabored the point, but these are hard things. But you aren’t the first to have to deal with them, and you don’t have to deal with them alone. 

Learn more and find available help for you and your loved ones at inhomecare.com today to start towards safety, peace of mind, and independence.